#link deserves to be unsettling and incomprehensible

[confusioncorvid]

Kinda like the idea of wild (botw link) becoming more unnatural and Off, as time goes on after waking up from the shrine.

Kinda like he wasn’t actually truly alive again, so much as giving a convincing illusion of natural life. But as time goes on that illusion or whatever sustaining him starts to degrade, denature, and warp.

(Kinda like an overflow glitch)

He’s not actually in any sort of danger because of this (at least for now), it just makes him more unnatural and unsettling to the observer.

as time goes on, it becomes increasingly clear whatever the shrine did was not natural. The more time passes, the more the illusion twists and falls apart.

It did not just simply heal and resuscitate him, like someone receiving cpr

(Bonus: I like to think he’s still relatively normal when he first visits zora’s domain and tames vah ruta.

But by the time he returns from taming the other beasts… not so much.)

(Several zora rapidly start to reevaluate their understanding of link’s situation)

[kingunderthemountain]

ESC Songs: 2016 vs. 2017

it’s the most wooooonderful tiiiiiime of the yeeeeeear

I’m making this post as I go down the line, so I have no idea what the results will be yet, but I get the feeling 2016 is going to trounce 2017 because most of this year’s songs are painfully average and “ok” at best.

Portugal didn’t participate in 2016, Bosnia & Herzegovina aren’t participating in 2017, so those aren’t getting included, but I am including Romania and Russia because they had picked their songs before being removed from the contest. The content behind the cut is mostly my own opinions, but I probably pay more attention to this contest than a lot of people, so it’s colored by the opinions of others. Especially my best friend, who is even deeper in the ESC hole than I am.

Albania: Fairytale vs. World

Fairytale was kind of tragic as it was presented on stage and forgettable enough off it that I had to go and look it up to remember what it was like. World is performed by one of the strongest vocalists in the 2017 contest and is a favorite of many fans. I don’t find it super strong, although I do like the lyrics a lot, but it comfortably trumps Fairytale.

Armenia: LoveWave vs. Fly With Me Second country and we’re already in tough ones. LoveWave was so cool and Iveta Mukuchyan is a pretty incredible lady in several ways, but Fly With Me is an interesting song and it’ll probably have a cool stage show. I’m going to go with LoveWave because even though Fly With Me has an interesting structure, it makes it feel a bit like it wants to be at least four and a half minutes long and gets cut off just as it gets going. The last chorus does make for a nice sound bite for the recap reel, though, so it might do better than expected.

Australia: Sound of Silence vs. Don’t Come Easy Ah, Australia, the EBU’s pet project. Sound of Silence did ridiculously well last year and I fully expect Don’t Come Easy to pull through into the final from probably the worst position in the first semi-final. Still, I’m going with Sound of Silence because it’s so simple and so bombastically ridiculous at the same time.

Austria: Loin d’ici vs. Running On Air I make no effort to hide how much I loved Loin d’ici despite it being cheesy and fluffy and hilariously easy to misspell and mispronounce. Running On Air is a nice little song but it’s not as memorable.

Azerbaijan: Miracle vs. Skeletons I wasn’t big on Miracle because it was so generic. Well, Skeletons is also kind of generic, but only if you followed national ESC selections all over Europe and noticed there sure was a lot of electropop in them. Points go to Skeletons just because I’d rather listen to it again than Miracle.

Belarus: Help You Fly vs. Historyja majho žyccia I have a huge soft spot for Help You Fly and not just because my best friend has an adorable celebrity crush on Ivan. I do like Historyja as well, but it’s kind of... paint-by-numbers “cute vaguely ethnic folk” to me. The performers are enthusiastic and cute and that helps it, but Ivan was enthusiastic and cute too. Plus he gave us Måns Zelmerlöw naked on a hoverboard with a plush wolf. Point goes to Help You Fly.

Belgium: What’s the Pressure vs. City Lights What’s the Pressure and City Lights are both kind of... in weird genres for Eurovision? What’s the Pressure is one of the most successful funk songs ever in the contest and City Lights is already pretty high in predictions for this year. I’ve heard a lot about Blanche’s lack of stage charisma, though, so it might qualify but likely will tank in the final unless something really interesting is done with the show. What’s the Pressure is retro, City Lights is extremely modern, and it’s really hard for me to pick between them because I don’t feel very strongly about either. I’m gonna go with What’s the Pressure because it was such a lovely opening to the 2016 final.

Bulgaria: If Love Was a Crime vs. Beautiful Mess I wouldn’t be surprised at all if Kristian took the contest to Sofia for 2018. I still like If Love Was a Crime better.

Croatia: Lighthouse vs. My Friend Lighthouse and My Friend are, at the moment, pretty hilarious in their own ways, what with Lighthouse having that stage show and My Friend being essentially a duet but it’s sung by one dude because it’d be too gay to have two dudes singing or something. It remains to be seen if the rumors are true and Jacques will go all Two-Face on stage and grab Croatia the Barbara Dex Award for the second year running. Anyways, back to the actual songs! Lighthouse is great and I love it. I don’t have much good to say about the gimmicky song structuring exercise that is My Friend. It’s still totally going to the final.

Cyprus: Alter Ego vs. Gravity Cyprus used to send some of the more vapid and boring songs in the contest (I can say this because I unironically love La La Love). Now they’re sending something pretty decent for the second year in a row and it feels weird and unnatural. Gravity is finalist stuff, but I like Alter Ego more and it deserved to do better last year. (Also Minus One is my headcanon for a Dragon Age: Inquisition rock band AU. No points for guessing who the head vocalist is.)

Czech Republic: I Stand vs. My Turn I reeeeeeally didn’t like I Stand last year, although even I didn’t wish that nul points from the televote on poor Gabriela. I’m also not big on My Turn because even though I really enjoy Martina’s voice, her pronunciation of English combined with the rapid tempo of the verses makes the song kind of incomprehensible (though nowhere near as badly as Romania manages this year, woof) and the song doesn’t really grab me. Still, I’m gonna go with My Turn because I Stand was so dull, so by the numbers, so straightforward and bare-bones, had the worst lyric of the year (”you are my air / I’ll always care”) and had that “ho don’t do it” hair bun pull climax moment that was framed so badly it turned into a blink-and-you’ll-miss-it.

Denmark: Where I Am vs. Soldiers of Love Denmark hasn’t done as hot in the contest these last few years as they did the few years before that. Soldiers of Love was, I guess, trying to be New Tomorrow all over again? Unfortunately they weren’t great live and their looks kind of clashed with how incredibly poppy the song was. Where I Am is... a ballad sung by a beautiful woman, which should make me yammer on about how it’s boring and formulaic, but somehow Anja actually... pulls... it... off? It’s popular with the fans and I’m kind of dreading it might go the way of Icebreaker (my opinion on which you will find later in the alphabet). I like it better than Soldiers of Love and that’s kind of all there is to say at this point.

Estonia: Play vs. Verona I would say Estonia has been high these past two years but Leto Svet is a thing that exists. And we Finns voted for it! So it actually makes perfect sense to me that they send crazy shit in and this year oh boy are we in for the 90′s coming back. Still, I liked Play a lot and was super saddened by the bizarre live and how Jüri was so nervous that the whole performance tanked. Points to Play.

Finland: Sing It Away vs. Blackbird When Sing It Away was starting the whole ESC shebang last year, the Swedish commentator went “and here’s Finland, we know they won’t win but anyway”. And really, Sing It Away was great - on the UMK stage. The camera work was tight, the performance was energetic, the whole setup was great, and it was easy to accept Sandhja as the winner even though she was up against No Fear and On It Goes (which is freaking amazing so I am including a link, love you Mikael). On the ESC stage the performance was too small and too haphazard to make an impact. Blackbird was similarly stunning on the UMK stage, but Norma John have a strong vision about how they want their performance to look and I have faith that it will be the best possible version of their song, barring something like Leena getting sick before the semi. I really hope Finland makes it into the final this time, because in the sea of ballads with female vocalists, we have something really haunting and special this year. Points to Blackbird. Please make it to the final.

France: J’ai cherché vs. Requiem Let’s get one thing out of the way: I took French in school for eight years, and I almost always enjoy France’s ESC entries. Not sure if these two things are related, but they’re things. And I love J’ai cherché, and I really like Requiem too. But that sentence already shows my stance here. Alma seems like a sweetheart and apparently her live performances constantly improve, but Amir did such a solid job last year (and was one of my faves to win the whole shebang) that I have to give it to J’ai cherché.

Georgia: Midnight Gold vs. Keep the Faith Midnight Gold was kind of bizarre. It was a seriously weird post-punk indie rock song with an unsettling music video and seizure-inducing live show. And I loved it. Meanwhile, Keep the Faith is a shouty female-led ballad with an, um, shall we say suspect backdrop in the national final performance. Tako, you’re a great vocalist, but there are like a dozen female ballads this year and Keep the Faith isn’t one of the stronger ones. And definitely not as strong as Midnight Gold.

Germany: Ghost vs. Perfect Life ...I can’t believe I’m saying this, but I prefer Ghost to Perfect Life. Ghost was, at least, somewhat interesting - it was a good song with the wrong singer in the wrong backdrop with the wrong clothes. Perfect Life is just... really bland.

Greece: Utopian Land vs. This Is Love Utopian Land was an unusual genre (rap) in an unusual language (a Greek dialect) with an inscrutable theme. This Is Love is a generic electropop... thing... in English about love. You see my dilemma here. I’m... gonna go with This Is Love because, well, it’s inoffensive. Utopian Land is interesting, but not good enough.

Hungary: Pioneer vs. Origo Oh man, this is a matchup I really don’t want to call. I loved Pioneer last year, even with that one hilarious backup singer and the random drum dude, and I also love Origo with its just-ethnic-enough sound and its rap sections bound to make the juries hate themselves for trying to figure out which to rate it on. I... am leaning towards Pioneer. But this is the tightest matchup this time around.

Iceland: Hear Them Calling vs. Paper My best friend and I are ESC nerds and we’ve been running a lot of ESC 2017 simulations using this website (don’t use the diaspora tag if you try it out - it does weird things, best combo is odds + no diaspora) and we’ve noticed two tendencies it has. The other one we’ll get to later, but the first is that somehow, Iceland qualifies almost every time. Maybe it’s because Hear Them Calling was such a darling last year and then didn’t qualify. Anyway, I was one of those people who loved Hear Them Calling. I still do.

Ireland: Sunlight vs. Dying to Try Sunlight was... let’s say one of the weaker songs last year and leave it at that. Dying to Try is a cheesy ballad sung with gusto by a young man with a beautiful voice... that I cannot stop laughing at because my best friend pointed out it can be sung as “trying to die” and now you can’t unhear it either. You’re welcome. Also, it gets the point.

Israel: Made of Stars vs. I Feel Alive I would have found it beyond appropriate if last year Finland had selected Love Is Blind (although I will admit the lead vocals aren’t strong enough to have facilitated that) to go along with Made of Stars. Plus I feel like gay guys using the artist names Cristal Snow and Hovi Star would have gotten along smashingly. Anyhoo, back to the actual topic. I Feel Alive is a nice change of pace in 2017 - it’s an uptempo song with choreography and some ethnopop vibes tossed in there. Made of Stars is a bombastic crooning ballad that I like otherwise but am a bit sad that Hovi couldn’t pull off the best notes from the album version live. Both of these are solid contenders for above-the-middle-of-the-pack positions, in their own years and in any given year. I’m gonna give it to I Feel Alive because 2017 needs the perk-up.

Italy: No Degree of Separation vs. Occidentali’s Karma I didn’t care much for No Degree of Separation at first but it’s grown on me after the contest. I hope the reverse does not happen for Occidentali’s Karma because sweet jesus how I love this song. I would love to see it win. It probably won’t because the juries hate fun. Comunque vada panta rhei. Also point to Karma.

Latvia: Heartbeat vs. Line I wasn’t super into the Baltic Boys last year but in retrospect 2/3 served really strong performances so good for them. Point goes to Heartbeat because Justs performed the hell out of that song and Line is one of those songs I should love on a theoretical level but something in the execution falls flat and I don’t.

Lithuania: I’ve Been Waiting for This Night vs. Rain of Revolution I’ve Been Waiting for This Night is probably the best song Lithuania has ever managed to send to the competition. Rain of Revolution is in line with Lithuania’s usual level of competence in that it’s the worst song in the contest this year - on a theoretical level it’s super cool and interesting, but literally everything in the execution is messed up. (Also my best friend bought me a CD in Lithuania that apparently contains Lithuanian hits and it’s the worst thing I’ve ever heard, it’s mostly international hit songs like La Bamba and Meredith Brooks’s Bitch translated into Lithuanian sandwiched between shit like this. Literally every song sounds like it would play at a bar in a really cheap beachside bar in a Southern European tourist trap. Can any Lithuanian who sees this explain?)

Macedonia: Dona vs. Dance Alone Here’s Macedonia with two songs I want to like but... don’t? I’m gonna go with Dance Alone because Dona, as old-fashionedly adorable and elegant as it was, felt a bit too much like Kaliopi trying to cash off of her incredible money note.

Malta: Walk on Water vs. Breathlessly Breathlessly is Maltan power ballad by the numbers. Walk on Water was a modernized version of that. Except not really a ballad. Eh whatever point goes to Walk on Water.

Moldova: Falling Stars vs. Hey Mamma! Falling Stars was my pick for the weakest song of last year. Hey Mamma! is a ruthless ripoff of Sunstroke Project’s last effort, which turned into the most memetic ESC moment ever, but at least it’s a fucking breath of fresh air in a year of dreary downtempo and ballads.

Montenegro: The Real Thing vs. Space The Real Thing was overshadowed last year by Midnight Gold (and for good reason). Also HOLY CRAP I LOVE SPACE. And I am so sad preemptively that it’s not going to have a chance to get into the final. Slavko you precious diamond thank you for making the gayest song in ESC history.

The Netherlands: Slow Down vs. Lights and Shadows And here’s the Netherlands with two songs that are massively popular but I’m not super into either. Giving it to Slow Down because to be honest I know Lights and Shadows is really well performed but I can’t remember shit about it.

Norway: Icebreaker vs. Grab the Moment I almost always like Norway’s ESC entries in the 10′s. Icebreaker was an exception - that jarring slowdown into the chorus wasn’t pleasing to me at all. Grab the Moment has lyrics I enjoy and I’m confident it will also fail to make the final because the juries won’t vote for speak-singing. Still, I vastly prefer it to Icebreaker.

Poland: Color of Your Life vs. Flashlight Uuuuuuuuggghhhhh Color of Your Life UUUUUGGGGHHHH I mean Flashlight is boring and when it’s not boring it’s kind of creepy but it’s not that.

Romania: Moment of Silence vs. Yodel It! Ah, poor Romania last year. Still, they made up for their musical operatic rock song not making it to the final by sending us motherfucking yodeling. Yodel It! is absolutely going to be in the top 10 in the final even though I can’t understand a fucking word of it.

Russia: You Are the Only One vs. Flame Is Burning You Are the Only One is one of the best things ESC has seen this decade. Flame Is Burning is... vaguely creepy on a lyrical level (Russia seems to do this a lot) and I might get hate for this but Julia’s voice is so thin I could barely hear her over her backing vocalists. I don’t feel like it’s a big loss musically that Russia is out, but it’s going to do... interesting things to ESC.

San Marino: I Didn’t Know vs. Spirit of the Night And here’s San Marino sending shitty disco two years in a row! Seriously though I know Serhat was memetic and all but even though it’s boring and formulaic Spirit of the Night is at least listenable. Once or twice. As background music.

Serbia: Goodbye (Shelter) vs. In Too Deep I kind of like In Too Deep. But it’s not super memorable and I don’t see it hitting the final. Goodbye (Shelter) was my pick for “most improved from national final” last year because holy hell that national final video is impossible to listen to because Sanja will not stop making faces. It ended up being super impressive live after they toned her performance down a bit. So in the end, point goes to Goodbye (Shelter).

Slovenia: Blue and Red vs. On My Way And here’s Slovenia with songs I don’t like... Neither of these songs have the greatest lyrics and the performances, although technically good-esque, feel sort of bland and emotionless. I’ll give it to On My Way just because it’s better on a technical level. Even though it has my least favorite lyrics this year.

Spain: Say Yay! vs. Do It for Your Lover And here’s Spain with songs that tanked! I can say this preemptively because I can’t see Spain getting any other position in the 2017 final than last. This is corroborated by the fact the ESC simulator I mentioned earlier never fails to leave Spain in last place, usually with like 4 points total. Also poor Barei. Say Yay! was good fun but the choreography, the stage setup, and the camera work really let her down. Still a banger that’s going to play at Eurovision parties everywhere for years to come.

Sweden: If I Were Sorry vs. I Can’t Go On If I Were Sorry was another song that grew on me after the contest. Meanwhile, I can’t stop listening to I Can’t Go On. “So freaking *chef hand emoji* buttehål” is a meme with me and one of my housemates. I’m so afraid Sweden will win again with this thing.

Switzerland: The Last of Our Kind vs. Apollo Ohhhh boy Rykka’s choreography and outfit sure were things. Go watch the national final performance of The Last of Our Kind and then go watch the ESC semi performance and wonder where it all went wrong. Meanwhile, Apollo was the first song this year I started singing along to. I like it. I like the lyrics a lot.

Ukraine: 1944 vs. Time Obviously, the Ukraine isn’t trying to win ESC twice in a row, but Time is still a pretty decent song and it’ll get votes in the final just on being the only rock song this year. Meanwhile, 1944 still makes me fucking tear up.

United Kingdom: You’re Not Alone vs. Never Give Up on You You’re Not Alone was... kind of fun I guess? Never Give Up on You has slowly been growing on me but it is another female-fronted ballad, which isn’t exactly in low supply this year. Eh whatever I’ll give it to You’re Not Alone because it was kind of fun.

End result: 2016 (24) vs. 2017 (18). Mhm, I figured.